Chaos Happens So We Can Arrive at Truth ~ Tina’s Story
[As Published in Wendy DeRosa’s, Expanding Your Heart, A Self-Leadership Journey of Personal Transformations.]
Tina shares her story below of how the chaos she went through helped her arrive at her truth.
I was married, mother to three children, and working full-time as a paralegal office manager in downtown Boston. I was in my mid-thirties when things became very unsettled and tumultuous within me. I began questioning my marriage and everything else about my life. My husband was an alcoholic, and I have the other part of the disease, codependency. We were away without our children one weekend, and at some point during that weekend, I absolutely knew my marriage was over. Now I understand that this was my Initial Heart Opening, which was followed by the next stage, Chaos. I’ve got this one mastered!
My husband and I separated, and over a two-year period, divorced. In the process of our divorce becoming final, my husband dies of cirrhosis. He was diagnosed in November and was dead in December. Here I was with three children who were seventeen, fourteen, and ten. My children were still in shock over us divorcing and now their dad was dead. I went to collect a large life insurance policy and was informed that my husband had lapsed on his payment and the policy was null and void.
I returned to work part-time. One day while I was at work, in another defining moment, my oldest daughter called me, crying hysterically because she had vividly dreamt of her father. In that moment, I knew I had to leave my job and be home with my children. I said,” Okay God; I need to turn this whole mess over to you.” I was working at a bank at the time; before I left my job, I took out a $100K home equity loan since employees received special rates. For years I lived on credit cards ($100K credit card debt) and the home equity loan, robbing Peter to pay Paul. In the midst of all of this, I had to empty and sell my husband’s condo, and run his business, which involved driving a truck – a big one! At this time, the financial market’s crashed, leaving my home, ex-husband’s condo, and my business worth way less than anticipated. Just writing about this makes me anxious because I’m flooded with the body memories of what I went through! It was an extremely difficult time. How was I going to care for my kids, emotionally and financially?
I was raised Catholic, but I had long left religion behind. At some point in this process, I began looking for relief. I found a massage therapist who was a yoga teacher and a reiki master teacher. I received monthly massages, combined with reiki, to soothe myself. I attended two yoga classes and signed myself up for a teacher training program. It just spoke to my soul in such a profound way. I knew this was my path. I knew I needed to commit myself to healing my soul. I have been on that journey ever since. This whole experience resulted in my return to faith and God. That’s all I had – prayer, Spirit, angels, ascended masters – you name it, I have explored and utilized it for my own healing. The more I trusted, the more my path was laid before me. From yoga teacher training, I went on to become a reiki master teacher, then off to massage therapy school. I have been studying In-Depth Body-Centered Psychotherapy and Subtle Energy Healing at Hartford Family Institute for seven years now. I have completed Wendy’s Healer Training Program, and there have been many other holistic trainings and certifications – all inthe name of healing myself.
Things have certainly settled down, and I have landed in myself. At a certain point, you realize the journey goes on. The heart can be opened eternally. There is always the next place to clear and open. The path becomes constantly liberating the heart – being mindful of each moment, each blessing, each opportunity to grow, learn, and serve others as they journey back to their hearts. The stages overlap; the weave from one to the other.
My experiences have brought me to my knees and humbled me beyond what words could ever convey. There have also been many magical moments and miracles along the way. I wouldn’t trade any of it; it’s what makes me who I am.
(c) 2015 by Wendy DeRosa, Expanding Your Heart – Awakening Through Four Stages of a Spiritual Opening, Chaos Happens So We Can Arrive at Truth, “Tina’s Story,” by Tina M. Walsh.